dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
