So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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