afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
