My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
