At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
