And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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