Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Randomize
