Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Randomize
