he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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