nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
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