You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
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