I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
