forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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