I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
