There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
