Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
