Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
