she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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