...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
