Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
