i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
