so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
