I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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