You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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