I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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