So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
