the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Dignity is for republicans.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
