Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
