I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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