I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
soo... how was my night?
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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