Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
You ruined the universe
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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