Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Randomize
