so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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