If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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