The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I could fuck to npr.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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