Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
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