I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Randomize
