the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
