when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
