Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
