I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Houston, we have a squirter
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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