the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I cut my penus on the lid.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
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