My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
