Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
