I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
