What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
where are you?
Hypothermia
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
