There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
