so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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