I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
