this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
