so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
