There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
