If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
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you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
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2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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