I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
