It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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