From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
