I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
