So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Randomize
