Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
