I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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